Wednesday, March 28, 2018

[Part One: Wednesday 03/18] Nicholas Sparks in the Rubber Room

Before Roger could finish typing his remaining observation notes, he was asked to peruse a document about a student whose parents wanted the Board of Education to pay for her private (special) education. The document was filled with errant commas but who cares? Only (some) teachers, (some) writers, (some) readers and editors care if there’s a comma between a conjunction and two independent clauses. Roger used the information gleaned from the document to write the student five educational goals.

As Roger was getting used to sitting instead of standing for hours, a former colleague and counselor from his school surprisingly stopped by his cubicle to say hello. Roger embarrassingly shared that he had been reassigned to the office but that he had no idea why. Roger’s colleague shared that despite being gay, the women in the office where troubling. Maybe, like Roger, they didn’t realize that he was gay. For years, Roger thought that his soft-spoken colleague’s peculiarities stemmed from the fact that he was a vegan yogi.

Roger typed his observation notes as fast as possible. He found that if he whispered the words while typing he had fewer mistakes. And he thanked God for the extremely strict  typing class that he took during his sophomore year of high school. Ironically, his structured high school experience made his teaching experience difficult.

Roger attended an all-male private school where conversing in class wasn’t an option. Having a side conversation while the teacher lectured was unfathomable. Roger’s fear was dozing while the geometry teacher stoically read theorems, which could result in a firm punch to the forehead. An incorrect answer in science class awarded a student two options: a strike on the knuckles with a stack of wooden rulers or a strike on the forehead with a stack of wooden rulers. But even in Roger’s best class, he had to stop teaching approximately every ten minutes due to multiple side conversations. And if he hit a student every time he got an incorrect answer, he would have more concussions on his hands than the NFL.

Consequently, Roger was über-flabbergasted when a fifteen-year-old student commanded him to suck her dick after he politely and rationally asked her to have a seat. Her punishment? None. But Roger got a tongue lashing from her mother who appeared to be a callet and preferred her cocaine cooked. Roger felt like Eddie Murphy’s character in Beverly Hills Cop who was arrested for disturbing the peace after being thrown out of a window.

As she passed Roger’s cubicle, the head psychologist shared that she took the previous day off to visit the salon and Forever 21. During her first day off in years, she got a wash-and-set and purchased a casual yet office appropriate outfit. Roger assumed that his presence wasn’t the impetus.

There was no unsecure WiFi in the office, and Roger was too insecure to use the desktop computer for anything unrelated to the DOE; so, after he finished his secretarial duties, he prepared for lunch. A colleague informed him that lunch breaks were a measly thirty minutes. However, Roger’s letter from the Office of Personnel Investigation stated that he was to take a fifty-minute lunch break. And he did. He ate a Gala and read Pniniad while avoiding eye contact until he noticed the lunch room’s petite bibliothèque, which had a surprising amount of chick lit books from Brushnell's Trading Up to Every. Single. Nicholas Sparks book.

That evening, Roger helped a tutee with an algebra 2 worksheet and a college coed formulate an example of a true paradox for her Family Policy and Ethics class before he received an unsolicited, random and suspicious MMS from a former student.

She was in a form fitting robe rouge that barely held her double Ds. She asked Roger if he had any pictures to share. He immediately assumed that he was being entrapped by the Board of Education. He visualized an investigator sending text messages from a computer in the DOE headquarters. Before he deleted her text, he texted, “Of course I don't have any pics silly. How could I?” Eerily, when she was a sophomore in Roger’s English class, a group of possessive male students spread a rumor on Facebook that Roger and the nymphet were having an affair.

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